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Mexico: The Land Of Little Butts
By Douglas Bower

If you have only been a tourist in Mexico and have never lived
here, you may have never noticed this. Mexico is a country of
little butts and its entire infrastructure is designed for their
small, and perky rear-ends. In know this for a fact because I am
a professional writer trained to note and record such things.

Americans, of course, have all of the fat-butt genes God handed
out at creation. There is no use in denying this, so don't try.
You will not win the argument. Americans have the fattest
keisters on the planet and all the proof you need is to come to
Mexico, stay for about a month, and try to get along "well" in
normal daily affairs.

We have to be assisted into the back seat of Mexican cabs
because our fannies are so large that we cannot get in and out
of the backseats without the fire department coming with the
Jaws of Life. When we try riding the buses all we can get into
the seat is one butt-cheek with the other hanging over the side
looking and flopping about like a swollen blob-monster. It also
becomes plaintively apparent when we try to get in and out of
some of the doors installed in these buildings—houses included.
They were all built for hobbits, which, by the way, are real and
all live here in Guanajuato. Mexico.

My wife and I notice this too when we try going out to eat. I
swear to God that every restaurant in the town is designed for
someone no more than 4.5 feet tall. This includes the entrances
and the seating arrangements. I can get one side of my fundament
onto the chair cushion and one kneecap under the table. The
other leg has to stay extended out in to the aisle causing all
manner of havoc with people trying to jump over this
telephone-pole-sized leg. They act horrified since they have
never seen something so huge.

In addition, the toilets: I think I have some permanent damage,
or something, from trying to sit on these toilet seats designed
for someone with a backside the size of a hand puppet. I have
actually broken many of them—I am deadly serious—all around town
in the public facilities. I try never to frequent the same
public facility twice so as not to be recognized. I am sure
there is a warrant out for my buttock crimes.

It is nightmarish!

Not only does this town's infrastructure cater to little-butted
people but also to people who are the size of Santa's Elves. I
know I have sustained multiple concussions from forgetting that
the doors in all these homes and buildings are built with the
"little folks" in mind. I have rearranged my scalp, not
purposely mind you, on many occasions from scraping it on the
doors. We had an apartment here where the back door was less
than two feet wide. I swear I am not making this up. I could not
enter nor exit that back door without contorting myself into an
inhuman and ungodly shape. I simple could not walk squarely
through that door.

I cannot describe to you what it is like to be a giant in a
land of little hobbits.

I had to travel eight hours to a resort town that had a
Wal-Mart that catered to big-butted King Kongs just to buy a
pair of underwear. I do not for one nanosecond believe that I
would be able to find underwear in Central Mexico to fit me.
There isn't the demand to accommodate fat butts.

About the Author: Mexican Living: ALl you need to know about
living in Mexico. http://mexicanliving.access.to

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